Wednesday, June 30, 2004

I Fear The Chubby Alcoholic



The Chubby Alcoholic
Definition:

n. sex ~ I fear the chubby alcoholic.
v. having sex ~ So did you do the chubby alcoholic?


I'm gonna name my kid T.R.I.P. (The Reason I'm Poor)


ME: "Hey Trip grab me a beer,will ya"

TRIP: "fuck you dad"

ME: "That's ma boy, heh heh heh"




TRIP: "Mornin' Dad"

ME: "Hey Trip, Here's a tip... DIE!"

TRIP: "I did... the day I was born... now I'm just hear to haunt you... bitch"

ME: "That's my boy, heh heh"




ME: "Where's mamma's boy?... oh yeah, mamma took him when she went to the corner store ... 3 years ago... it's you and me trip... now fix me a hamsamich"

TRIP: "I CUT YOU!"

Thursday, June 17, 2004

Mothra Teresa

Computer Simulation
by Feeling von Streetbeat


Friday, June 11, 2004

Too Much Time on Me Fingertips

The one sided MSN conversation:

Slug says:
hey

Calm Clam Calamity Clan of Cannes Clamps Cans in the Canary Cannery while Cannibals on Cannabis Carry Cannonballs 'Cross Canada says:
hey

Calm Clam Calamity Clan of Cannes Clamps Cans in the Canary Cannery while Cannibals on Cannabis Carry Cannonballs 'Cross Canada says:
how you doin

Calm Clam Calamity Clan of Cannes Clamps Cans in the Canary Cannery while Cannibals on Cannabis Carry Cannonballs 'Cross Canada says:
fine if you're not there then i'll have my enlightening conversation without you

Calm Clam Calamity Clan of Cannes Clamps Cans in the Canary Cannery while Cannibals on Cannabis Carry Cannonballs 'Cross Canada says:
glad to her that, I'm doing fine thanks... gonna watch e F1 race this weekend?

Calm Clam Calamity Clan of Cannes Clamps Cans in the Canary Cannery while Cannibals on Cannabis Carry Cannonballs 'Cross Canada says:
yeah it's the Canadian GP... aww I wish I was there

Calm Clam Calamity Clan of Cannes Clamps Cans in the Canary Cannery while Cannibals on Cannabis Carry Cannonballs 'Cross Canada says:
yeah oh well.. you're right at least there's TV

Calm Clam Calamity Clan of Cannes Clamps Cans in the Canary Cannery while Cannibals on Cannabis Carry Cannonballs 'Cross Canada says:
I can't waint to get back to working on racing... it's like an itch i can't scratch...
"I got a fever... and the only prescription... is more cowbell"


Calm Clam Calamity Clan of Cannes Clamps Cans in the Canary Cannery while Cannibals on Cannabis Carry Cannonballs 'Cross Canada says:
i had a test today... it went alright... I'm friggin tired now though

Calm Clam Calamity Clan of Cannes Clamps Cans in the Canary Cannery while Cannibals on Cannabis Carry Cannonballs 'Cross Canada says:
when i got back to my room i started playing my guitar then just fell asleep

Calm Clam Calamity Clan of Cannes Clamps Cans in the Canary Cannery while Cannibals on Cannabis Carry Cannonballs 'Cross Canada says:
you're awful quite today... is everything ok?

Calm Clam Calamity Clan of Cannes Clamps Cans in the Canary Cannery while Cannibals on Cannabis Carry Cannonballs 'Cross Canada says:
ahh I see... you were caught lawn bowling with a mongolian princess and rondrell cut you fingers off and fed them to his pet pirahna from tijauana affectionately named "mother teresa"

Calm Clam Calamity Clan of Cannes Clamps Cans in the Canary Cannery while Cannibals on Cannabis Carry Cannonballs 'Cross Canada says:
well... you desever all the punishment you receive

Calm Clam Calamity Clan of Cannes Clamps Cans in the Canary Cannery while Cannibals on Cannabis Carry Cannonballs 'Cross Canada says:
i don't care if the princess was in distress

Calm Clam Calamity Clan of Cannes Clamps Cans in the Canary Cannery while Cannibals on Cannabis Carry Cannonballs 'Cross Canada says:
ohhh... you mean "in this dress" *pointing to sexy garment hanging on wardrobe*

Calm Clam Calamity Clan of Cannes Clamps Cans in the Canary Cannery while Cannibals on Cannabis Carry Cannonballs 'Cross Canada says:
I saw a shop selling elvis purses yesterday

Calm Clam Calamity Clan of Cannes Clamps Cans in the Canary Cannery while Cannibals on Cannabis Carry Cannonballs 'Cross Canada says:
i wish the world loved corny jokes

Calm Clam Calamity Clan of Cannes Clamps Cans in the Canary Cannery while Cannibals on Cannabis Carry Cannonballs 'Cross Canada says:
but alas they dont

Calm Clam Calamity Clan of Cannes Clamps Cans in the Canary Cannery while Cannibals on Cannabis Carry Cannonballs 'Cross Canada says:
and i don;t but yeah

Calm Clam Calamity Clan of Cannes Clamps Cans in the Canary Cannery while Cannibals on Cannabis Carry Cannonballs 'Cross Canada says:
elvis in-purse-onator

Calm Clam Calamity Clan of Cannes Clamps Cans in the Canary Cannery while Cannibals on Cannabis Carry Cannonballs 'Cross Canada says:
ewwwww

Calm Clam Calamity Clan of Cannes Clamps Cans in the Canary Cannery while Cannibals on Cannabis Carry Cannonballs 'Cross Canada says:
"Breaking the law, breaking the law"

Calm Clam Calamity Clan of Cannes Clamps Cans in the Canary Cannery while Cannibals on Cannabis Carry Cannonballs 'Cross Canada says:
Fine, ignore me... see what i care

Calm Clam Calamity Clan of Cannes Clamps Cans in the Canary Cannery while Cannibals on Cannabis Carry Cannonballs 'Cross Canada says:
you smell

Calm Clam Calamity Clan of Cannes Clamps Cans in the Canary Cannery while Cannibals on
Cannabis Carry Cannonballs 'Cross Canada says:
smell like inadaquacy and pestilence

Calm Clam Calamity Clan of Cannes Clamps Cans in the Canary Cannery while Cannibals on Cannabis Carry Cannonballs 'Cross Canada says:
with a hint of cow feces

Calm Clam Calamity Clan of Cannes Clamps Cans in the Canary Cannery while Cannibals on Cannabis Carry Cannonballs 'Cross Canada says:
that's right... I went there

Sunday, May 30, 2004

Oh And The Plot Thickens

Plot #1

An obese, bald and white evil scientist with a piratesque manner to him (says yar, eye patch, walks with a charming limp) develops new species of genetically engineered smaller pigeons, called smidgeons. And, he travels the world with this smidgen of a pigeon that happens to also carry the Exploding People's Disease (EPD).

Once infected with EPD the victim has only the time to exclaim with a - Schwarzenegger lifting a car - like expression, "I'm Gonna Explode!!!" before vaporizing spreading the infectious spores to all in close contact.

Check out Pat Robertson's EPD expression in my Sept. 18th 2003 "The Burritto is to Blame" entry.
Archive

It's easy to see the chain reaction this could set off.

Note: Now some will point out the similarity to this and the ending of Matrix Revolutions. Well god dammit I wrote this ages before that damn movie and needless to say I was none too impressed by their plagiarism ;).


Sideplot #1

Lead in: The film cuts quickly away from a sentimental moment to a young teenage boy and his grandmother in a room decorated with late 70s brilliance (brown shag carpeting, fake wood paneling on the walls, orange furniture).

It's the grandmother's 90th birthday and the cake is on the table about a third eaten. Very little emotion is shown in the grandmother's face whereas the boy has a look of great determination. The boy is giving the grandmother customary "birthday beats". The boys counts, "89", "90", the grandmother's arm falls off and the scene then cuts quickly back to the sentimental moment.



Sideplot #2

Lead in: Someone whispers with a suspensful tone "We've been tricked"

The film then cuts to a group of unsuspecting people standing in a field of tall grass.
Then cuts to a group of midgets (I really don't want to always be politically incorrect) dressed exactly like Scottish warriors from braveheart, facepaint and all. And they're acting just like them too, except with just muffled speaking. There is a leader just like William Wallace who throws his sword and the whole deal. Then the midgets charge.
The camera switches back to the people in field and all you can see is the top of the tall grass (taller than the midgets) moving as the midgets cut and zig-zag through the field. The camera swaps back and forth from this view to close ups of the warriors running through the grass. When they reach the people they attack with same level of gore as Braveheart but with a Monty Python appearance, legs are being severed left, right and centre. One victim attempts to drag his legless body away and is cut down by a running warrior as they dart off jumping and exclaiming victory.

Film cuts back to the original scene.


Monday, May 24, 2004

Today's word of the day is:



sex·a·ges·i·mal (adj.)

Of, relating to, or based on the number 60.

Example:

This birthday party is sexagesimal!

Learn it, love it, live by it.

Well actually i guess you could say you kind of already do live by it cuz i mean the basis of minutes and hours and therefore time is pretty sexagesimal. Unless you're like my great uncle Herman "smells of urine" Schenectedy and live on your own in the woods following your own "Kaiser Clean" clock. I never quite understood it really... Every time I asked him about it he'd just point to three popsicle sticks scotch taped to rocks he affectionately referred to as "the reactor core", he often would then dart swiftly out the door and go for a swim in the "fountain of vermouth". One time just to freak us out he spun his head right around a whole 360 degrees... then he fell to the floor, started squirming and making gargling noises... that's the last we saw of uncle Herman.

Artist's Interpretation:


Transcript of my Engineering Management Lecture Notes:

This man is boring me to death. I will be dead soon. I must kill him before he kills me. Only a half hour into a 2 hour lecture and I'm already sick to death of this crap.

God damn you! This is redundant.

So Boring!!!

This man has no sense of humour!

God dammit, if i wanted the handout just read to me over and over I'd tape this monotonous fool and loop the playback. Play it 'til I snapped, tore out my hair, and launched a homemade javellin, skillfully fashioned by sharpening a broomstick, straight through this man's dull heart. A sharp stake through his dull heart. That would be my freedom.

It's almost the halfway break now, phew. I wonder if they sell firearms on campus.


Sunday, May 23, 2004

Bah I somehow deleted the template for my blog... I've tried to recreate the look as well as possible... perhaps it's an improvement?... perhaps I really just need to go to bed.

Saturday, May 22, 2004

Ah the sun is shining, birds are chirping. I feel as chipper as little courageous kirikou being maulled by a pact of nutty chip munks.



I best scurry off to do some coursework before I realise how screwed I am. Bah, who am I kidding? I'm just gonna play the geeetar, breathe in deep and relax.

Save The Day - Coconut

The dimly lit walkways and avenues
Beneath bridges lead me through dreamy days
It’s into the dark every time
It’s no wonder I lost my mind and my memory

But I wouldn’t have it any other way
Wander weary all along the empty streets
And I don’t mind my broken legs

I walk myself home beneath the stars
Strollin’ along the ocean shore
And I wish for tidal waves to carry me out to sea
To an island that’s all for me
To fade away

But I wouldn’t have it any other way
With no one there to tell me how to be
Ill grow my hair down to my knees

I befriend coconut trees
The breeze breathin’ through the island heat

Evaporatin’ in the sun
Is my number one priority
But I wouldn’t have it any other way
No I wouldn’t have it any other way
I wouldn’t have it any other way

Oh No! He Has A Friend!

In order to cater to my Schizophrenic nature I've started up another blog full of all the stuff that just doesn't fit the ham samich dogma.

Edit(new URL): http://scorchedveins.blogspot.com

Now my multiple personalities have never been getting along better. Yesterday we played badminton... well that is until the dominant side ducked under the netting and beat the other side into a comatose state with his racket and then attempted to impale him with a mechanical pencil. Tomorrow we try darts!

I'll post as my mood suits me hehe... let's hope that means more sweet sweet honey garlic ham and less bitterness. But hey without the downs there would be no ups, so lets just ride the wave, try to keep the crests from crashing down to troughs and in that, find the beauty of balance.

"core of coal and starches within me" ~ Saves The Day - All Star Me


Friday, May 21, 2004

My Beautiful Encounter

So then my new found messiah was like,




So of course I was like, "Hell Ya!", and that's where it all went wrong. Ever had to bludgeon a man to death with his own shoe?...


...


...


Yeah well, me neither, but you get the point.


Let's go skipping stones down the highway, until the 5_Oohh show up and we have to bludgeon them to death with there own "law-abiding" shoes.  Then we can run, dance, sing our way to chilly Argentina where the sun shines bright. Start our lifes a new, and forget all those people we never cared about anyway.


Maybe I'll send you a postcard made of recycled letters...



...compost some words.


I'll put a picture of your house on it. See it's like I never left after all.


A Diabolical Plan.



Muhahahahaha, we'll rule the world, and they'll rue the day they didn't vote for the "The Triple T".



Let's play "Ask the iPod":


1. Weezer - Only In Dreams
2. The Weakerthans - Elegy for Elsabet
3. The Get Up Kids - Martyr Me
4. The New Amsterdams - Spoils of the Spoiled
5. Elliott Smith - Everything Reminds Me of Her
6. Nirvana - Scentless Apprentice
7. Billy Talent - This Is How It Goes
8. Saves The Day - Blindfolded
9. Moneen - Thoughts Weigh Heavy... Don't Get Drowned In The Weight Of It All
10. Jurassic 5 - Monkey Bars
11. Tom Waits - Eyeball Kid
12. Death Cab For Cutie - Pictures In An Exhibition
13. Johnny Cash - Before My Time
14. Saves The Day - You Vandal
15. Howlin' Wolf - Spoonful


Tuesday, February 17, 2004

Back to the Basics

I'm tired of sleeping.

After clinging on to my cozy dreams for too long I made the move to join the waking world. I rose up, thrust open the iron curtain cloaking my room.
My eyes braced for the sting of new light. But alas, twas not to be. Rain falls as mist. England's lulling weather shows its teeth.

Good thing I have the profound and deeply philosophical words of the good book to bring me hope :)

Psalty will cure what ails ye!



A short Story: Another Night Alone

So yesterday I walked over to your house... I threw pebbles at your window to see if you were still awake...
You came to the window... then I knocked you unconscious with a big fat rock. Awwww



So let me get this straight? If I join your religion, a guy born from a virgin prostitute in the middle east, who regardless of that fact is almost exclusively portrayed as being white, and who now according to you seems to suffer from Alzheimer's will give me regular baths?
Toss in a couple of your finest ninja butlers and we've got a deal!


Man, Woman, Whoa Man, or the next president of The United States of America?




Am I right, or am I right?




Thursday, January 08, 2004

I can't believe someone beat me to it

"I hope you vomit so hard, so violently until your insides fly out and smack against the cold unforgiving pavement and that your blood splashes back off the ground and into your blasphemous eyes. Ohhhh and it'll burn, burn like the strongest of acids as it fights against your sinful past"...


...And then I hope big bird comes and kicks your ass.



Check it out I found a picture of the mayonnaise packets we get at our dining hall at res.




It's snowing outside and I can't find my pantaloons

If I keep up this impressive standard of dress people will start thinking I'm a hobo, a hobo with an iPod. A hobo with an enchanted iPod.


Awww aint that cute. Alaska's favourite indigent Jim givin' props to his main man Herb. We love you too Herb.



Check out his latest track, "Educated Man". Now let me ask you sumthin', what you tryin to pull H.J.? You forgotten your roots brotha. I cut you! *stabs monitor with granola bar*

Note: No The Dancin' A is Gone!!!
He will be missed. We be jammin' no mo.


Friday, November 14, 2003

Proof that indeed one man CAN make a difference... if he happens to have 7 billion dollars

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?